Why I Need Cowgirl Boots

(Several rather colorful cusswords have been edited out since…okay since I cuss like a sailor)

So this morning I take the puppies outside to pee. Still being summer here, I’m in tank top, shorts and no shoes, of course. And because Miss Priss doesn’t like wet grass (Bella), I have to walkout in the grass like a mother duck so she’ll follow me (don’t ask. It’s stupid but anything’s better than watching her pee on thesidewalk.) Plus Jaz has this specific pooping area that’s in the north 40 area (i.e. “I need privacy way the hell out in the yard topoop), so one has to wander over THAT way so he’ll get the general idea that he might just want to poop, puppies being stupid and not recognizing their own bodily functions and all.

Yes, this is what I go through several times a day. *g*


This morning we’re meandering through the grass when I feel this sharp sting on the top of my foot. Low and behold, leaping off my foot is this half-dollar sized brown furry spider.

After shaking it off the top of foot amidst several muttered curses, I realized the damn thing stings. In the meantime, the spider is rearing up on its hind legs (however many of THOSE ithas) and hissing at me like I’ve pissed IT off. Hello, (CENSORED), YOU bit ME!

So in the meantime i’m angry as hell, my foot stings, the puppies are laying in the grass like dead slugs instead of doingwhat they’re supposed to do, I wonder if said spider is poisonous and I might die, Charlie is of course at work and can’t stomp the (CENSORED) spider for me, and I’m in bare feet so can’t even retaliate against the (CENSORED) spider who’s still glaring at me. (Note to self: try cussing less.)

So I swoop up the pups, storm into the house, pour hydrogen peroxide (magical cure for just about anything, by the way) on my foot, and by the time i go back outside, determined to annihilate my nemesis, he has, wisely, beat a hasty retreat. Bastard. He WILL die. Trust me.

Clearly I need cowgirl boots for my morning treks into the grassy wilds of my front lawn in order to protect myself against anymarauding critters seeking to do my dainty feet harm.